Joey, Just Joey

Hi friends! Is it just me or do I have any other friends awake at 4:22am?

Been up since 3:30am, WIDE AWAKE! So thought I’d talk to you guys. Why do you think this happens to you? For me, it’s definitely my brain right now. Being a severely chronically ill person is not an easy walk in the park; even on the most gorgeous days. You know, I realized yesterday, I missed the entire summer season. Labor Day is this weekend. No hot dogs or burgers for me, it will be fresh grilled (more chilled) feeding tube formula. This will be an adjustment again, but if it keeps me from aspirating and the havoc it causes…it’s definitely worth it. Any other tubes out there? Would love to hear some of your tips and tricks! Please comment below and share.

I always blame my overthinking as the culprit for these nights. As soon as the room is quiet (as much as it can in a hospital), my brain checks in for its overtime shift. Crazy thoughts too! Let me tell you, I worry about worrying over things I should worry about. Like am I certifiable? worrying about mistakes I’ve made in my 53 years of life. The only that really gets me are the ones involving my sons. Times I wish I stopped folding laundry and went and colored right then. The clothes would wait, right? But I yearn for their youth sometimes. On the flip side, I cherish our relationships as adult to adult child too. There is nothing better than being their mom. Although, they have some steep competition making a debut in January. I am going to love my grandson with all I have.

Sometimes I think my anxiety for the most part is like FOMO (fear of missing out) due to my health. I missed last thanksgiving at Tyler & Kelsey’s house because I was so sick. And it was their first time hosting. Broke my heart in a million pieces. But let’s get to the BIG HUGE subject at hand….

I’m sick. Sicker than I’ve ever been. I’ve actually been told over and over by staff and guests here at the hospital that my room is so cozy and homey. What a nice compliment right? But in my head, I’ve made this room, home. Survival mode? Who knows? Two months is a long time to be hospitalized. I’ve duplicated some of the things I have at home for it to feel more familiar, warmer. It’s working. My digital frame with all my home pics on it is my favorite and I find myself watching for hours sometimes. It has over 3000 pics of family, friends, past vacations and things important to my heart. I get lost in it.

I dance around the sick part, sorry. So 2 months, sucks right? What sucks more is 4 hospitals and 2 months later, we truly don’t have a diagnosis or any idea what is wrong with me. Which means we are in the “throwing against the wall and see if it sticks stage”. I’ve tried dozens of meds and treatments, and here I sit talking with you guys and not asleep in my bed at home with Peanut Butter, my fur baby, aka my youngest son. How scared would you be if a doctor said, “we’re trying this treatment but it is truly our “Hail Mary”? Like being punched in the gut. I’m afraid of leaving this life, this world and my family, yet I feel like I am slowly going. My mind and gut are preparing while still trying to be optimistic they’re wrong. I mean everything else in my body is screwed up, they could be too. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism to prepare your mind, just in case.

Ok this is getting deep for 4:44. Anyone else have an angel number? What’s yours? LMK below in comments. Mine is 11:11, even got it as part of a tattoo while in California earlier this year, before my life and health turned to, well…shit.

California!!! ☀️ I think that will be tomorrow’s post. My happy place and all of its characters who play big roles in my life and make me so happy. I love California so much.

If you made it this far, congrats and thank you! Please subscribe to my page. Like posts, leave comments. Let’s be friends? I swear the sheer “Joey-ness” will grow on you!!

Let’s make today amazing!

~ Joey